I just cannot wrap my head around how people do this makeup thing every day. Like, do they wake up each morning prepared to do a traditionally mediocre self-portrait?
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I recently stumbled upon this so-called zero to glam makeup tutorial for beginners, and let me tell you, they should include a hazard warning symbol. I mean, I barely know which brush does what. The video started with someone casually mentioning primer as if we all have secret stockpiles at home. Honestly, I only have a bottle of something labelled ‘BB cream’ that I dig out when I’m meeting someone who owns nicer shoes than my sad sneaker collection (which includes those ugly Crocs, don’t judge).
So, anyway, they expect beginners to contour? Is it not enough that we have to guess if the foundation matches our wrists, or is this just a prelude to cognitive dissonance? It all seems like a scene out of a weird modern art class where the main subject is frustration. And highlighter? Who are we trying to blind – the sun?
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Speaking of blinding, the eyeliner showdown was like having a standoff with a volatile black snake. I could swear I heard it hiss at me. And don’t even start on false lashes. The idea of gluing something to your eyelids in the name of beauty – do people really manage these without ending up with extra hairy eyebrows and teary eyes that rival a rom-com’s climax?
Of course, there’s the looming mystery of ‘setting spray’. What even is that? When did face-sticking mists become a thing? I imagine myself as an accidental mish-mash of Van Gogh and Picasso by the end of it. Does makeup really have to be this overcomplicated affair for a result that washes away by bedtime? Anyway, my eyes still hurt. I need coffee. Ugh.