You ever sit and wonder why preparing for a wedding night feels like prepping for an alien invasion? I mean, the absurdity of it all, right? So, I found myself knee-deep in a rabbit hole of latest makeup hacks—or as I like to call it, ‘How to Look Human 101’—and it got me thinking about all the nonsense advice that’s out there for brides-to-be.
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I read a lot, and some of these tips had me rolling my eyes, while others were kind of genius (in a ‘who even thinks of this?’ way). Like, apparently, some folks think you should be hopping on a juice cleanse a month before the wedding. More like a masochist cleanse if you ask me. You’re telling me, ditch caffeine, sugar, and solid foods, then expect not to faint while walking down the aisle? Blondie’s clearly got a trust fund for ambulance rides to her honeymoon.
The whole thing gets more absurd when you hit the section on makeup. Some beauty guru out there is pushing the idea of trialing your wedding makeup two dozen times. I’m beginning to think they just want us to buy more makeup products. Maybe I’m onto something. The irony though? On the D-Day, Mother Nature decides it’s time for a hurricane or swamp-level humidity in the banquet hall.
Then there’s advice suggesting you practice smiling. Not kidding. Like we’re prepping for some bizarre dental Olympics. If a natural smile doesn’t kill Aunt Patty’s eardrums, I don’t know what will.
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Honestly, all this prepping kind of feels a bit like planning out a heist. Maybe that’s what would make for a great wedding night—a heist to steal a moment of relaxation and some pizza after dealing with it all. Instead, they suggest you meditate. They don’t tell you this is more of a silent pep talk, reminding you not to trip over your gown or forget the groom’s name in front of a hundred guests.
Sifting through this treasure trove of tips is wild. Like the big day isn’t stressful enough, let’s turn brides into full-time clowns jumping through hoops of random beauty rituals. Who’s running this circus?
Anyway, my eyes still hurt. I need coffee. Ugh.